'Til The Cows Come Home

...But I Play One On T.V.

The first ultrasound of the soon-to-be Firebaby is in! Here he/she is at ten weeks:

Now, I'm no expert on genetics or all things OB-GYN related. But it seems to me from looking at the ultrasound image that on or around December 4th my sister-in-law is going to give birth to one of these three things.

Which makes shopping for them all the more difficult.

Enjoying It To the Maxi

Howdy, y'all. The connection between my brain and my fingers has been a little slow lately (mmm, pills) so I've been lax on the blogging. Recovery is going slowly but I'm making progress. Hoping to make it back to the office tomorrow on as low a dose of pain killer as possible. And regular blogging will resume later in the week.

The worst part of the recovery has been the stir crazies. Fortunately, I've been able to remedy that with a couple of short excursions around the neighborhood to enjoy this glorious spring weather and work on building my energy back up. Losing track of what day and time it is has also been a bit confusing. I remedy that with taking another Percocet and forgetting the concept of time in general.

And the best part of the recovery? Many would say that it's the pills. Some may say it's the time off of work. Others might say it's the suppressed appetite and the handful of pounds shed. While those have been enjoyable perks I must say the best part was the look on the Duane Reade cashier's face when she commented on how nice it was that I wasn't afraid to buy the feminine hygiene pads for my girlfriend and I told her that they were, in fact, for me.

Sunday Summation #4

Percocet + Jigsaw Puzzles = Hmm, I thought this was supposed to be a kitten, not a lighthouse...

On The Mend

The surgery went very well this morning. My doctor said he encountered a larger amount of damaged glandular tissue than he'd expected when he opened everything up, which resulted in a deeper and longer incision. However, he's confident that this will be the end of my troubles. I'll be laid up at home for a couple of days and the complete healing process should take four to six weeks. I have a follow-up appointment in two weeks to measure my progress.

I'm feeling pretty good right now. No significant pain, just a wee bit sore (yay for pills!). But most importantly I'm happy that this is all over and I'm very anxious to get on with a normal life again.

I got a flood of e-mails and text messages today. Thank you so much to everyone for their good thoughts and words of support and love - and not just today but throughout this entire ordeal. It means so much to me. I have the best friends in the world!

Are We There Yet?

T-minus eighteen hours until what will hopefully be the last surgery I have to endure. I'm so antsy that I opted to 'work from home' today. My official justification: since I'm not allowed to eat solid food for a full twenty-four hours before the procedure nobody at the office would really enjoy my increasing levels of grumpy. I can handle a lot of things, but an all-broth and Jell-O diet while fidgeting at my desk is not high on the list.

So I'm home fighting some intense bouts of A.D.D., alternately bouncing back and forth between the computer, the television, the piano, the two books I've started and really don't care about, and half-hearted attempts at housekeeping. You know what doesn't help the A.D.D.? Two big cups of coffee without granola and yogurt to absorb it. Oops, my bad.

But I shall make it through the day and I check in at eight o'clock tomorrow morning for the procedure. I'll drop a drugged out blog entry sometime tomorrow evening to let you all know how it went. Now if you'll excuse me I have some major porn to get through before I'm unable to properly enjoy it for a few days. That'll hold my attention for a while.

I Swear To God

On my way home from the grocery store over the weekend I found myself walking behind a father and his young daughter. She was seven, maybe eight years old at the most. I caught a snippet of their conversation and immediately turned down the volume on my iPod and eavesdropped to the best of my ability.

Little Girl: So the people who believe God made the world are called Creationists?

Father: That's right.

Little Girl: And Evolutionists believe life developed from single-cell organisms and we turned into monkeys and now people?

Father: That's the long and short of it, yes.

Little Girl: So which one is true?

Father: I can tell you what I believe, sweetheart, and we can discuss how I came to believe it but that's just my opinion. I think it's important for you to decide on your own.

Little Girl: Well, I think it's complicated.

Father: How so?

Little Girl: I know we're all supposed to believe in God but I just don't understand how you can ignore the hard scientific facts.

Father: Go on.

Little Girl: And if God really did all this on His own you'd think He'd have left more proof of his work and there wouldn't be all these different religions trying to figure it out and fight over it.

They turned the corner and I lost the rest of their conversation. I wanted to run up and hug that little girl for being so freakishly smart and sincere. And I wanted to praise her father for encouraging her to do her own thinking. It's moments like these when you see the beauty and wonder of a child that you can believe in a higher power.

And then I got home and realized that the zipper on my jeans had been down the entire time I'd been out of the house, thus proving that God, in fact, doesn't exist. Or has a wretched sense of humor.

Sunday Summation #3

It can be healthy to lose it a little. It purges the bad thoughts and puts things back into perspective.

In Which I Lose It A Little

The surgery is less than a week away. I'm very impatient. I want it to be done and have this entire rotten chapter closed for good. I've tried so hard not to be this 'bitch and moan' type. I've tried to put a positive spin on everything that's happened and use it as a valuable life lesson. But I'm this close to saying fuck all and hiding under the covers until they start the intravenous drip of general anesthesia. They put me back on the Levaquin - despite my protestations - to lead up to the surgery and it has knocked the energy and life out of me, in addition to the other side effects. Every inch of my body hurts. I have no focus. Tonight will be the polar opposite of last Friday's Cowcast festivities. As soon as the five o'clock bell rings I'm going home, pulling the shades down, and getting into bed. Hopefully it's just the double whammy of getting through the work week and feeling like shit that's taken a toll on me and I can de-funk by the end of the weekend.

Cowcast #5

A long overdue Cowcast for your listening enjoyment. Featuring a very special guest and her significant other.

Also, illegal activities, why gay men love straight men, and X-rated mafia names which yield drunken TMI.

Pardon my Liz Callaway-esque gasp-breathing, but apparently I'm too run down to walk and talk without sounding like I need an oxygen tank wheeled behind me. Also, this is my first Cowcast using my portable digital recorder, so the sound quality isn't tops. But I think you'll manage.

Cowcast #5
Total running time: 14 minutes, 57 seconds

Coming Up On WCOW-FM

For your enjoyment, a new Cowcast - featuring some special guest stars - will be posted later today. Stay tuned!

Sunday Summation #2

There is tremendous surprise and joy in rediscovering a passion.

Whoz Yer Daddy?

That's right! My brother, Fireman, and his wife, Firewoman, are having a baby! Well, Firewoman is having the baby. But if it weren't for Fireman's hose...ba dum dum.

I'm so excited for them! In a week when I was thinking about the best dad in the world it seems only fitting that he's about to share that title with my brother. Firebaby is due sometime between Thanksgiving and Christmas. I'll keep you posted on all of the exciting developments.

Another Reason I'm Hellbound

If I had been running the show yesterday I totally would have had a bunch of altar boys pop out of the Pope's birthday cake.

May Day

Saw the doctor today. That weird sensation I felt on Sunday night was exactly what he'd been hoping wouldn't happen but was fully prepared to handle. Too much inflammation for his liking today so I'm back on antibiotics for two weeks and surgery is scheduled for May 1. It's actually a very simple procedure although it will involve cutting through muscle, which makes for a longer and more complicated recovery. But that's why the heavens sent us painkillers. That being said, there is less than a ten percent chance of recurrence once it's done. So it should fix this for good. And that's all I care about.

Yawnin', Stretchin', Try To Come To Life - The P.M. Session

1:46 p.m. - Got back at the desk at 1:35 and already taking my first mental break from the workload. A few things rolled across my desk while I was out but all I can think of right now are the jelly beans I picked up after Chipotle. I know the two don't compliment each other but they both make me extraordinarily happy.

2:00 p.m. - As I was initialing the report I just finished I realized that ten years ago, when I graduated college with a degree in ~~professional homosexuality~~ musical theater, I never would have dreamed I might know the meaning of terms such as 'cash distribution', 'capital call', 'private equity', 'escrow', or 'fair market value'. Of course, six years ago when I was still thinking about a career in performing, I never would have dreamed that I would know the feeling of the words 'health insurance' so I guess it all balances out.

2:15 p.m. - I'm about to throw up from too many jelly beans in too short a period of time.

2:33 p.m. - I think my iPod is psychic. Since deciding upon the title of this series of posts it has now played three Dolly Parton songs. Maybe my iPod is an early generation Cylon hybrid.

2:42 p.m. - Now I'm losing all of my focus. Just had to excuse myself again to check on things, so to speak. The pain - well, it's not so much pain as a constant dull throb with occasional spikes of sharp ache - has been increasing as the day has gone on. I think it's sitting in my desk chair posture for so long. I try to get up and stretch often and relieve pressure but it's not always possible. I don't like taking a pain killer while I'm working because it deprives me of attention to detail, but now I'm being thrown off anyway and I'm making errors in my work. Grrrrrr. Tomorrow can't come quickly enough. Just two more hours and I can go home and rest and take a pill if need be.

3:20 p.m. - You know what happens after you eat too many jelly beans? You come down from the high. Now I've got the shakes. People here must think I'm really fucked up. I mean, more than usual.

3:30 p.m. - I've decided to take my mind off of my physical discomfort by engaging in some wrist action. So if you need me I'll be alone in the copy room...three-hole punching the K1 forms for the underlying partnerships.

3:31 p.m. - Perverts.

3:40 p.m. - The hole punching didn't take as long as I'd hoped it would (that's what she said).

3:49 p.m. - I just got lost in melancholy remembrance while staring at a photo cube on my desk that used to belong to my father. I keep meaning to scan in the photos and blog about it. Maybe I'll take it home with me tonight and write about it this week. I miss my dad. A lot. On the day they told us he wasn't going to make it the hospital's chaplain suggested we all take a moment alone with him to say our final words while he was still able to process them. When it was my turn to go in, I gave him a big kiss and said, "I don't think you and I have any air to clear. We're good, right?" And he blinked his eyes at me as they filled with tears and nodded his head and my heart exploded. And I said, "Good, me too. I promise I'll watch after them all." And he blinked and nodded again and my heart disintegrated. I said, "Well, that didn't take long. So let me get to the really important stuff...the last time you saw it they were all still under siege on New Caprica. Well, let me tell you..." And his eyes lit up. I filled him in. That was our last one-on-one conversation. Now it's eighteen months later and a new season of Battlestar Galactica is on. I wish he were here to talk about it. Anyway, after he died, I took the photo cube (circa 1979) from his office and brought it home with me. And now it sits on my desk.

4:01 p.m. - Well, typing that little story took longer than I realized. A lot of staring off into memories in between sentences. And now we're in the last hour of the work day. Finally.

4:11 p.m. - My biggest pet peeve of the hour: People who leave used staples and paper clips lying on top of the copy machine, which later cause a jam when I need to use the damn thing. I will find you and I will hurt you.

4:29 p.m. - Call from Bob. He's just caught one of the first episodes of this season's CSI and wants to know why none of Marg Helgenberger's friends had the balls to tell her she went a little Botox-crazy. Alas, I rarely watch CSI unless I'm trying to come up with new ways to dispose of the Greek motorcyclists who frequent our block at all hours of the night. I'll probably just need to get a portable rocket launcher. I think the neighbors would be thankful anyway.

4:49 p.m. - Tried to work through an account reconciliation but either my brain has completely turned off or Microsoft Excel has developed a mind of its own and is getting a good laugh at me. K. just called and told me to rest up tonight and order out dinner tonight instead of cook (he has a seven o'clock curtain on Tuesdays so I like to have something waiting for him). But not cooking usually just means I'll have Mini-Wheats for dinner and fall asleep on the sofa until he gets home to transfer me to bed. I can live with that tonight.

4:55 p.m. - Shutting down five minutes early. Will post this on the walk to the train. Hope you've enjoyed.