'Til The Cows Come Home

The Cows Have Come Home

I published the first entry of this blog on May 29, 2003. It blows my mind that I’ve kept this site going for five and a half years. In that time I have been on tremendous journeys, many of which would have been impossible if it weren’t for this very blog. I can’t imagine what my life would be today if I had never taken the plunge and opened The Barn doors.

Over the years I’ve gone through phases when I didn’t feel like blogging. I’ve hit creative slumps and taken some time off, but I’ve always worked through them or had that spark of inspiration to send me back to the keyboard. But this time is different. This time hasn’t been an issue of not having anything to say, or having something to say but not knowing how to say it. I have things to say. But I either can’t say them here anymore or just don’t want to say them for everyone.

So much has gone on in my life lately and I’ve been unable to write a lot of it here. Part of that is due to so many of the important players in my life reading this blog, which keeps me from being able to honestly write my feelings. Not that I have anything negative to say, but sometime you just don’t want everyone to know everything about your inner thoughts, you know? And if I can’t do that here then it sort of defeats the purpose of the blog. As a result, I’ve been doing a lot of my living “off the grid”, so to speak, and loving it. I have my core group of friends and confidants who have always been there for me, and I’ve found that I’ve used them even more in recent months, resulting in deeper connections and richer friendships. And that makes me very, very happy.

All in all, I’m very content right now. The chaos within my family has come to a wonderful state of calm and we’re all moving on in a positive direction. Soon our family will grow and we’ll have even more to celebrate. My health is in a great place, both physically and mentally. My relationship with K. is stronger and more rewarding than ever. Work is actually stable and enjoyable. I feel artistically and musically fulfilled and inspired with my singing in Riverside Choral Society and the fantastic success of Living Room Productions. And I have the best friends in the world. The best.

So it’s time to close the barn doors, my dear and loyal readers. I’m going out on a high note with joy and triumph. My domain doesn’t expire until April and I have no plans to take this blog offline before that time. You can get your MAK fix by perusing the archives and revisiting your favorite stories. My e-mail will remain active, as well, and you can always drop me a note anytime you desire. I’m admittedly sluggish when it comes to responding, as many of you know, but I always reply eventually! And, of course, I am hopelessly addicted to Facebook and posting randomly whacky status updates there.

I’ve met so many amazing and wonderful people as a direct result of this blog. I want to take this opportunity to single out the three individuals to whom I owe the most:

Joel: His was the first blog I ever encountered. He has been there since the birth of this blog, as a supporter and a friend, through all of our deliciously sordid experiences together. Without Joel Derfner and Faustus there never would have been MAK and The Barn.

Bob: The best and worst partner in crime I could ever have hoped to meet through this blog. My liver, what little there is left, hates you. But the rest of me loves you. You’re my best friend and I’m forever grateful for finding you in this big, bad blogosphere.

Jodi: The DNA results haven’t come back yet but when they do we’ll know once and for all that we were separated at birth (one of us clearly falling right out of a vagina and into a time vortex that caused us to be raised in different times and places). I am so lucky to have met you and shared so many naughty adventures with you.

Is this goodbye forever? Who can say. As of this writing, I don’t foresee The Barn opening for business again. But life is full of surprises and options. With K. going away for six months next year I may want to start blogging again, although it would likely be in a new place and under a new name. And I may well find out that I actually can’t shut up and have to expose the interwebs to my incessant babbling all over again.

Thank you, each of you, for being part of ‘Til The Cows Come Home and making my life so rewarding for these past five and a half years. I wish you health and happiness, and lots of laughter. As Dorothy said to Rose, Blanche, and Sophia in “One Flew Out The Cuckoo’s Nest”, the series finale of The Golden Girls: You will always be my sisters. Always.

The cows have come home.

And Many More...

While we're on a roll celebrating the joy of life, today my sister, L., turns 34. She claims she's celebrating it in low-key style at home with Toddler N., but I suspect that's just a cover story. No doubt she's out celebrating her birthday in our family's traditional manner: at a sleazy strip joint, burning through a wad of singles, taking home a hooker and waking up with a g-string in her teeth. Happy birthday, L!

A real update before week's out, I promise, and I'll talk more about what's on my mind and the fate of this blog.

And The World Goes Round

Dad left us two years ago today. Today is also my very pregnant sister-in-law's birthday, and in less than a month we'll be celebrating a new birthday. Life goes on, and beautifully at that. Love you all.

It's Not You, It's Me

I'm here, I'm here. Don't worry - I'm very happy right now and for the first sustained period in an incredibly long time things are calm, stable, and going extremely well. I'm quite content and more than a little relieved. I just haven't had much to say about all of it. Well, actually, that's not entirely true. I've had plenty to say...I'm just not sure I want to say it here. At least for the time being. For several weeks I've been contemplating the future of this blog and thought some time away from it would lead me to a decision. But I'm still on the fence. We'll talk about it soon, I promise. Be well, and stay tuned.

Suit Yourself

For one or two days out of every year I have to wear a suit to work. This is one of those days. I hate it. I can't stand wearing suits. I feel like I'm at my own open-casket funeral.  I don't mind tuxes, in fact I quite enjoy wearing my tux. I think a man in a tux is just about irresistible. And most men look pretty darn good in a suit. I just hate wearing one. They are itchy and stuffy and blah.

I own two suits. The first one is now a museum piece, as I had a 30-inch waist when I first bought it in 2000. Days gone by, my friends, days gone by. The second is a chunky dark gray suit that looks like it was taken right out of The Sopranos wardrobe.  It was poorly tailored in a rush to have it ready for my grandfather's funeral and completely unsuited (ha, unsuited!) for business use. Unless I'm conducting business in a titty bar.

Since I almost never have to wear a suit I don't like the idea of spending money on a new one. I pulled out my mobster sack suit this morning and tried it on. I felt lumpy and misshapen and unattractive and looked like I should be peddling encyclopedia sets door-to-door or drinking whiskey out of a bottle in a brown paper bag while feeding pigeons in the park with the other eighty-year old war veterans.

Fortunately, I am a homosexual. Even better, I am a fashionable homosexual.  And best of all, I am a fashionable homosexual with an equally fashion-conscious homosexual lover who is the same jacket size and only one waist size bigger than me.  That means that I can double my wardrobe at a moment's notice.  He owns two very nice suits, both of which happen to fit me quite nicely.

Today I am in his sleek charcoal gray pinstripe with a lavender shirt and white, grey and lavender diagonally striped tie. And I have to say, I look pretty damn good. But still, I can't wait to get home after the day's work functions, tear the clothes from my body and run around the house in the freedom of the only suit that really fits me: my birthday suit.

Truth Or Lies Tuesday: Surprise Party

There's nothing I like more than a surprise. Except when they're unexpected. So let's get down to brass tacks and reveal the answer to last week's Truth or Lies Tuesday:

- Kiss You Off: This story is true (sorry, Karyn - but you forget that I didn't move to your school system until after Thanksgiving weekend of sixth grade - fooled you!). Ah, Valerie. I still can't hear that Steve Winwood song without flashing back to the side of that house and being scared out of my wits. Fortunately for all of us I do my best to never listen to Steve Winwood. Ever.

- Friends With Benefits: True. In retrospect, the entire situation was so completely overdramatic that not even the CW would write it into a plotline. T. left me for C., who dumped his boyfriend, G. G. and I were completely blindsided and hooked up a few times to help each other through the pain. But we were both tops so we knew that was never going to last long. Surprisingly, from what I understand, T. and C. are still together to this day. So I guess one of them must've learned to switch hit.

- Now Is The Autumn Of Our Gay's Content: So true. So wonderfully true. My heart still flutters a little bit when I think about it. His name was Jeon. He was French. He was super hot. I have never felt more like an International Coffees commercial in my life. We never did get around to going on a date, but I still felt so special. I kept that napkin in my wallet for nearly five years, until I accidentally sent my wallet through the wash cycle in a pair of jeans. Ah, Jeon. Le swoon.

- Smile For The Camera: This is the false story. Although there were no X-rated pictures hidden away for me to find, he did leave me a fully-stocked bookshelf with such classic titles as Hustlers, Escorts, and Porn Stars: The Insider's Guide to Male Prostitution, Male Bodies: A Photographic History of the Nude, and The Joy Of Gay Sex. I have no idea what this guy did in his free time but I've got a pretty good hunch. Still, I don't judge, and I should really thank him. Two of those books came in very handy.

We hoped you've enjoyed this exciting installment of Truth or Lies Tuesday.

Sunday Summation #27

Everything has its season.

Music Makes The People Come Together

On Monday, November 3, Election Eve, at 8:00 p.m. I will be singing with The Riverside Choral Society at Carnegie Hall. We will be the guests of the Mannes Orchestra, conducted by David Hayes (who, may I add, is incredibly easy on the eyes). The orchestra kicks off the evening with Messiaen's L'Ascension and we will join them for the second half of the evening to present Mendelssohn's Lobgesang, his seldom-performed and majestic second symphony. It's going to be a wonderful evening and I'd be thrilled if you joined us.

If gorgeous Carnegie Hall, gorgeous music, gorgeous conductor, and gorgeous MAK-in-a-tux aren't enough incentive for you, then hold on to your hat. All this can be yours for the gorgeous price of zero dollars. That's right - it's free! Simply pick up your tickets, up to six per person, in advance at the Carnegie Hall box office located at 57th Street and Seventh Avenue (full details here). I wouldn't wait too long, as last year's Carnegie Hall program with Mannes (the Stravinsky Symphony of Psalms) "sold out" quickly.

Let me know if you'll be in the audience so that I can look for you afterwards. Hope to see you there!

Truth Or Lies Tuesday; October Surprise

All hail the the classic election year October Surprise. Who can forget such gems as Kissinger's claim of peace at hand, the Iran hostage crisis, Osama bin Laden delivering a video message, or the Spears-Federline wedding? Have we seen this year's October Surprise already - perhaps America becoming a socialist nation, or maybe the revelation that Kirk Cameron still has a career - or is it yet to come? Oh, the tension and drama!

I've had a few of my own October surprises here and there:

- In the sixth grade I was going steady with a girl named Valerie. "Going steady" meant passing notes to each other during class and sitting on the swings together during recess. At her Halloween party she told me that she had something to show me and led me to the side of the house. She tried to kiss me and I suddenly got very nauseous. I ran away and hid until it was time for my parents to pick me up.

- It was fall term of my senior in college when my boyfriend at the time dumped me. He was having an affair with one of our best friends. I was totally stunned, not just because of the affair but because I'd been having threesomes with our friend and his boyfriend and nobody had ever thought to suggest a fourgy.

- At the opening night party for a production of Richard III in the fall of 1998 a totally hot guy approached me and told me how much he liked me in the show. I had such a small part that I couldn't believe he'd singled me out. For the first and only time in my life I received a name and phone number written on a bar napkin.

- I moved into a fully-furnished studio apartment in Queens in the fall of 2000. The previoius tenant was moving to Hong Kong and didn't want to take anything with him. All he took with him were his clothes and his laptop. I'd hit the mother lode, and judging by the Polaroids that were hidden in a desk drawer labeled "Berlin 1999" and featuring the previous tenant naked, bound and gagged while someone peed on him, he'd hit the father lode.

One of the above stories is not only surprising but also untrue. Can you sniff it out?

Someone To Watch Over Me

Dear Higher Power,

Today as I was returning to the office from lunch I realized I had an extra fifteen minutes to kill so I decided to sit in the plaza and relax. There was an empty bench under some trees and a chair next to the fountain. I started towards the bench but something moved me at the last second to veer towards the chair. I sat down to commence my relaxation. A few minutes later a woman sat down on the bench to eat her lunch. She had just opened her carry-out dish when she suddenly screamed in horror as a pigeon pooped all over her and her meal.

Whoever/Wherever/Whatever you are, I wanted to say thank you for guiding me to the chair by the fountain and giving me a good laugh and sparing me from a shitty Monday.

Yours,

MAK

Sunday Summation #26

The summary of today's Sunday Summation is that the littlest things bring you the most joy. Case in point:

This delicious little nugget turns four today. Four! Now that's incredible! I can't believe it's been four years since she came into our lives. Naturally, I wasted precious little time in corrupting her..

Happy birthday, ~~Baby~~ Toddler N.!

You Can Go Home Again

There's a YouTube clip making the rounds this morning of a McCain/Palin rally in Strongsville, Ohio, featuring some ridiculously insipid comments from the citizens there. I can't bear to embed the video on this blog, but you can watch it here.

I would just like to say that, as a native of Strongsville, Ohio, not everyone in that town - or indeed Cleveland in general - is this insane. I promise there are many well-spoken, intelligent, and rational people there working towards a better future and brighter representation of our hometown.

On a lighter note, this morning I was running late for work and tried to multitask. As a result of attempting to simultaneously brush my teeth and put on my on my underwear I now have a very large bruise on my hip from crashing to the floor. But I saved precious seconds, I'm sure of it.

See? Not everyone from Strongsville is an idiot.

A Life or Undeath Decision

My television, reading, and video iPod entertainment all happen to centered on the sci-fi/fantasy genre at the moment. My current must-see-t.v. is the new HBO series True Blood, I'm reading the popular and critically acclaimed graphic novel Watchmen, and during lunch breaks and commutes I'm keeping myself amused by re-watching the second series of Doctor Who. It's a perfect triple-play of diversion and escape.

But it's all got me thinking about the direction of my life. All morning I've been doing some soul-searching and pondering a very serious question:

Would I rather be a vampire, a nuclear-powered man, or a Time Lord?

I have me some thinking to do.

Which would you choose to be?

I Do(n't)

While I'm on a political rant I'll answer another question I'm often asked: Will K. and I get married?

The answer to this question is no.

Listen, we're not anti-gay marriage. I'd like to see gay marriage become recognized not just on the state level but by the federal government as well. But for me, personally, it has little do with marriage and everything to do with equal rights. Gays and lesbians ought to have the same basic rights as everyone else, and that includes marriage. I simply cannot understand the people out there who cry that gay marriage will demean the institution of marriage itself. We've all read the argument a thousand times over: How will two men or two women getting married personally threaten your heterosexual marriage? How will it make your marriage less of a marriage? How will it lessen the strength of your nuclear-hetero family's relationship? Why does calling it something besides "marriage" so that we don't make straight married people feel infringed upon make it less discriminatory? Blah blah blah. I bring nothing new to the table in regards to this debate.

I have always felt that one of the perks of being gay, aside from the great wardrobe, is that we couldn't get married. Therefore, we wouldn't be under any societal expectations to move things to the next level and can let our relationships unfold in a more stress-free way. Now, I've seen plenty of amazing marriages in my life (my parents, my brother and his wife, Jenn and her Army husband) but I've also seen enough bitter divorces (K.'s parents, my sister and her ex-husband) to see how destructive being tied together legally and financially can be. K. and I are comfortable where we are. We have all of the emotional perks of marriage and a long-term relationship without the need to feel as if we have to matrimonially seal the deal simply because "that's what you do next", which in my personal opinion is a big reason why so many straight marriages start out doomed from the beginning.

So, to sum up: Equality = YAY. Marriage = Not For Us. We're happy and in love just as much as any other married couple, just minus the registry (which, while tempting, isn't enough reason to tie the knot...until it's time for a new china set, at least). That doesn't mean we won't change our minds at some point. It's nice just to have the equal opportunity.

Crock The Vote: My Political Rant

Several of my friends have said that they can't believe that I haven't been watching the presidential and vice-presidential debates or getting more involved with the election on a local level. I felt it was time to tell the public why I tend to stay out of politics. I feel an uncontrolled vent coming on, so pardon any rambling:

For starters, I think all politicians are slimy and do very little in the way of accurately representing their constituents' needs and beliefs. Politicians aren't about representation; they are about egotism and the fulfillment of a personal agenda. They are about doing their best to appeal to every single demographic out there by spinning their personal views however necessary to paint themselves in a flattering light depending on which group they are trying to impress at that given moment. It doesn't matter whether they are Republican, Democrat or Independent because they all do it. Even the politicians with the best intentions have no choice but to bring out the worst in their opponents because negativity and cruelty are the only true ways to make an impression.

Despite the fact that I am a registered Democrat, I find both parties to be thoroughly disgusting. I may find John McCain sketchy and repulsive but I find Barack Obama just as untrustworthy and slippery. When I cast my ballot it's less about sticking by my party than voting down the person who disgusts me the least. I don't feel either of them will actually make my life better. I know that doesn't sound very patriotic of me. But that's how I see it. When we live in a country where every person is granted basic human rights and the opportunity to have honest representation in the government then I'll gladly rethink my position.

And speaking of positions, a lot of my problems with government stem from the fact that I'm a minority. And I'm not just talking about being a white boy in Queens (which in and of itself doesn't sound like an actual minority position, but you sit in the Queens County Supreme Court jury pool and take a look around and count the crackers...it made me exuberantly happy to see such incredible diversity). There's the obvious gay minority, which has almost no representation in politics. Sure, there are a growing number of openly-gay elected officials and perhaps they are more sensitive to listening to their gay constituents. But a constituent is a constituent and even the most gay-hating politician has a duty to heed the call of their electorate. This, of course, will never happen but that's the history of politics.

The second minority I am in is an even smaller one than the homo niche, and that is the minority of Those Who Feel Organized Religion Is A Crock And To Blame For Almost Everything Else. I may not personally believe in God but I acknowledge that other people out there do. And I have no problem with people having faith, be it generic or devout, based in whatever religion suits them. I think that's another beautiful aspect of being on this planet - the diversity of religion can open up the mind and the soul to so many possibilities and provide multiple ways to examine one's own life. My problem is with the zealots who think that their God is the Be All and End All of Gods and think anyone else is bat-shit crazy. These are the people who are holding back society because from the word "Go!" they have already closed their minds and refused to acknowledge that part of being an American is celebrating difference. And, unfortunately, almost every politician out there has to have these people on their side or else risk losing the election. There is no true separation of Church and State in this country and that is a huge problem. People use their religious values to inhibit the growth of our nation rather than celebrate the diversity, learn from each other, and advance our common agenda as human beings. And, sadly, this is something that will never change.

America - the country where there is no room for individuality. America - the land of repression and inequality. America - our spiritual and emotional borders are closed. America - where it doesn't matter if you're a half-black Hawaiian or an aging septuagenarian millionaire vying for the White House because despite your best intentions everyone will find a reason to bring you down in the eyes of others.

I know that I'm mostly preaching to the choir here at The Barn but please comment if you'd like. I'm very open to the criticism. But don't turn it into a personal, moral attack like our "leaders" do. I'm willing to celebrate the fact that you have a different opinion and am glad to hear that you have one. Just don't simply tell me that I'm wrong, because that shows me you're unable to offer the same respect. Perhaps your difference in opinion may enlighten me and give me food for thought. And that would make me exceptionally proud to be a human, even if I'm not all that proud to be an American.