For one or two days out of every year I have to wear a suit to work. This is one of those days. I hate it. I can't stand wearing suits. I feel like I'm at my own open-casket funeral. I don't mind tuxes, in fact I quite enjoy wearing my tux. I think a man in a tux is just about irresistible. And most men look pretty darn good in a suit. I just hate wearing one. They are itchy and stuffy and blah.
I own two suits. The first one is now a museum piece, as I had a 30-inch waist when I first bought it in 2000. Days gone by, my friends, days gone by. The second is a chunky dark gray suit that looks like it was taken right out of The Sopranos wardrobe. It was poorly tailored in a rush to have it ready for my grandfather's funeral and completely unsuited (ha, unsuited!) for business use. Unless I'm conducting business in a titty bar.
Since I almost never have to wear a suit I don't like the idea of spending money on a new one. I pulled out my mobster sack suit this morning and tried it on. I felt lumpy and misshapen and unattractive and looked like I should be peddling encyclopedia sets door-to-door or drinking whiskey out of a bottle in a brown paper bag while feeding pigeons in the park with the other eighty-year old war veterans.
Fortunately, I am a homosexual. Even better, I am a fashionable homosexual. And best of all, I am a fashionable homosexual with an equally fashion-conscious homosexual lover who is the same jacket size and only one waist size bigger than me. That means that I can double my wardrobe at a moment's notice. He owns two very nice suits, both of which happen to fit me quite nicely.
Today I am in his sleek charcoal gray pinstripe with a lavender shirt and white, grey and lavender diagonally striped tie. And I have to say, I look pretty damn good. But still, I can't wait to get home after the day's work functions, tear the clothes from my body and run around the house in the freedom of the only suit that really fits me: my birthday suit.
Ths is when the ONE bonus of being a gay man (Aside from, you know, the dick) does not benefit me as I have a 5 inch taller and significnantly thinner boyfriend. Uncool!
I hear you, man. But I think you're not being sensitive to any of your readers that might be superheros. Those guys have to wander the streets all day in TIGHTS.
And superheros in disguise get the worst of both worlds - tights underneath a regular business suit. I think that ought to be listed as one of Superman's abilities:
- Faster than a speeding bullet
- More powerful than a locomotive
- Able to leap tall buildings in a single bound
- Ability to wear two uncomfortable outfits at the same time without complaining
- Resistance to crotch rot
drool
Posted by: Karen at October 22, 2008 11:12 PMI HATE wearing suits as well (much to my parents' dismay, I'm sure)
Posted by: Lee at October 23, 2008 2:33 AMI have to wear a full tuxedo when I'm catering.
Just sayin...
Posted by: Patrick at October 23, 2008 2:11 PM