'Til The Cows Come Home

A Letter

Dear Dad,

I talk to you every day but I don't know how often it gets through to you. I don't know where you are - you know that I'm not a big believer in God or heaven. But I am pretty sure that you are always around me; that your life force and energy surround me and light the way when times are tough. And when times are great I feel you here as if you are smiling over my shoulder.

It hasn't quite been two years since you left us. And Dad, I never wanted you to go but I so understood that you couldn't stay. Through all you had been through, the heart surgery and the back procedures and ultimately the leukemia, how could I ask you to stay when you were so tired? I am so glad that you got to let go and move on. I have to believe that the relief you got surpassed any grief we endured.

I know that you have been with us as we struggled to acclimate to your absence. We have had a tough go of it. I won't rehash the details - if you are with us then you've felt it. Not that I'm so presumptuous as to assume you've nothing better to do than stick around your dysfunctional descendants. I hope you're off exploring the farthest reaches of our universe and learning firsthand about the things we'd theorized and fantasized were true.

But, Dad, I wanted to let you know that we're okay. We had a rough few months, but lately I've seen a change. We are finally coming back to basics and realizing that we are a unit and depend on each other, for better or for worse. And I honestly believe we are on the road to better. I was so happy to see the progress made firsthand. We will be okay. And we will always have you with us.

I am rambling now, perhaps because I don't want to end this letter. I wish I could talk to you all night and feel your bear hug of comfort one more time. I wish I could let you go, but I think I also sort of have. I want you and your energy to move on. But I like knowing that I can summon your love and reasoning when I need it most.

I feel you most when I listen to music. I know we connected more in other ways when you were here with us. But you also know that music is the only way I can clearly express myself. Every nuance, subtlety, or change in my mood is best described in music. And whenever I hear a particular piece it embodies you so fully. You know which one it is. It came on the iPod, which is what prompted me to write this. I hope you don't mind that I associate that music with you. I rather think you'd be honored. I think of you holding me up in the sky, showing me all that is still here. You point out the good and the bad and instruct me as to how they tie together and are important. You show me the big picture.

You give me hope.

Thank you for being there for me when I need you. In the past, now, and always.

I love you.

Matt

Posted by mak at September 26, 2008 7:35 AM | TrackBack