'Til The Cows Come Home

Wonder Woman Toddler

Several weeks back I got a phone call from my sister, L. When I answered the phone it sounded like she was sobbing.

"What's wrong?" I asked nervously. "Who's dead?"

"Nobody," she managed to calm herself down. "I just have to tell you what your niece just did."

I realized then that she hadn't been sobbing. She was laughing. Hard.

It seems that my niece had been running around the house stark naked, something she's very keen to do these days. On this particular evening, however, she dressed it up by tying her blanket around her neck like a cape and zooming around the house like a superhero.

"And then..." L. almost lost herself in laughter again, "And then...she jumps in front of me and puts her hands on her hips and stands up tall...and she says...'Mommy, Mommy! I'm Vagina Man!' "

"EXCUSE ME???" I shouted into the phone.

"She's VAGINA MAN!" my sister screamed back. We were both lost to a moment of hysterics. When we regained our composure I had a question.

"Okay, she's three years old...who the hell taught her vagina?" I asked. Surely it was her ex-husband's fault.

"Well," she sheepishly replied, "I did."

"Why would you teach your three-year old daughter the word vagina???"

"Because every time she took a bath or got dressed she'd point down there and say, 'Look, Mommy, I've got a raisin in my front butt!' "

I almost threw up a little in my mouth.

"And that kept grossing me out so I taught her the real word!"

"In that case," I said, "I can hardly fault you."

Now all we have to do is wait for my niece to grow up and for her super powers to fully develop. Then, and only then, will we know whether she will use her vagina for good or evil.