'Til The Cows Come Home

Flying Without A Net

My focus is a little off due to sheer exhaustion and crashing after four days of adrenaline rush, but here is the full yet rambling scoop.

It is no surprise to anybody here that I've been unhappy with my job for quite some time. I've been sending out resumes since October and in that time I have had exactly two job interviews and one subpar job offer. Despite the soul-crushing lack of response, I've managed to show up for work knowing that at least it would be steady and reliable income while I continued the search for something new.

Over time, things have gotten even worse at the office. While they made good on the smoking issue, none of the other promises that have been made to me have yielded any results. These included professional training and education in this job field and an increase in salary. Instead, I've been met with a floundering company that can't even make payroll, hostility between co-workers, and utter disrespect and abuse from my boss.

As strong as I thought myself to be, my resistance started to weaken. I would wake up in the morning, sick to my stomach over the mere thought of going into the office. I would exit the elevator and see the front door to the office before me, and I would have to hold back the nausea, resentment and frustration. By the time I left the office, I wanted to kill. But worst of all, I saw myself becoming a bitter and nasty person, angry all the time, unable to focus on anything positive and disintegrating into nothing but worthlessness.

The past month at work has sealed the deal, and on Thursday everything came to a head. For starters, I was denied the overtime pay that I had accrued, after submitting it twice. The reason: they couldn't afford to pay it. My answer: then don't ask me to work it. As more of our full time consulting staff quit, I also found myself with a heavier work load...which would be fine if I understood what I was supposed to be doing. And while I certainly embrace constructive criticism and want to know when I'm making a mistake, responding with "You never used to be this stupid, why can't you understand what you're doing??" does not fly with me. So Boss and I had it all out. I would've walked out right then and there...but I exhibited my restraint one more time.

After the argument, she didn't talk to me for an hour. Then she emerged from her office, sweet as honey, batting her eyelashes every time she needed something done. Later in the afternoon, after a closed-door meeting with Boss, Office Manager slipped an envelope full of cash onto my desk -- my missing overtime pay. And then when everybody else had left for the night and Boss and I were alone, she came to my desk, sat on the corner and asked, "So are you still mad at me?" She reiterated her promises of more money and more education. I reminded her that I've heard those words too many times for too long. And with that, I left the office.

I called out sick on Friday. I tried to sound as chipper as possible when I left the message on her voice mail. I had some decisions to make. I spent the entire weekend discussing my options with K., and hitting up friends for contacts of temp agencies and any leads they may have on employment. And I made my decision. I drafted my letter of resignation.

When I arrived at the office this morning, Boss was nowhere to be found, naturally. But upon asking how things went in my absence on Friday, I was informed that, upon hearing that I wouldn't be in, Boss announced to the office that I was "an unreliable little fucker." I didn't need more fuel for the fire, but there it was.

The minute she walked in the door, I told her that we needed to talk. An hour later, I was in her office and handing her the letter. My last day at this firm will be June 15th, the day before K. and I head to New Orleans for a (much-needed) vacation, giving her an over-generous three weeks notice. She cried. She actually cried and said, "I don't know how we'll survive with you." I put on my best acting performance to date, gave her a sad smile and said, "I'm sure you'll find a way to manage."

So here I am. Three weeks left of work with no definite employment to follow. The timing could be better, but really, when is the timing ever good? Finances will be tight for a while, and if I have to work nights in retail to make ends meet, then that's what I'll have to do. I'm up for the challenge, because it's my decision and, at long last, I feel as if I'm back in control. A huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders and I already feel a major improvement in my body and soul.

Due to the fact that I have the most amazing friends on the planet, I've already gotten abundant support in the form of job leads, agency suggestions and overall congratulations and admiration. I have all the confidence in the world that I'll be safely employed in the very near future. Since I still have no idea what I want to do with my life, that means the possibilities are endless.

But for now, I'm just happy that the end of this saga is is sight, and that I'm going to be happier and healthier for making it happen.