To the residents on my block in Astoria:
I'd like to introduce myself, as you may be seeing me in the near future. I am the man who will be donning all black, a mask, climbing boots, grappling hooks and rappelling gear, suction cups, and a baseball bat.
If you live in an apartment facing the street, then you have nothing to worry about. You shan't be getting a visit from me.
However, if your apartment faces the courtyard in the middle of the block, as mine does, then look out. Specifically, if your apartment faces the courtyard and your obnoxiously loud alarm clock is right next to your window, which you have been leaving open at night due to the mild weather. More specifically, if you set your alarm to go off at 6:30 in the morning and then proceed to hit snooze for the next two hours.
Additionally, if you are the person who leaves your alarm clock by the open window, hits snooze when your alarm goes off, gets out of bed, gets in the shower, leaves for work, and never turning your alarm off in the process, causing it to blare constantly for up to an hour before shutting itself off, then you may also want to keep an eye open.
If you meet either of the above descriptions, then you can look forward to a face-to-face meeting, as I am ready to start climbing fire escapes and scaling brick facades to hunt you down and destroy your alarm clock with aforementioned baseball bat. You may want to wear a goalie mask, as your head is the next target.
I will perform these actions to defend the rights of those on our block who desire to sleep with their windows open, keep their alarm clocks away from their windows, and crave that final hour or two of uninterrupted sleep, which you have been stealing from us for weeks.
Very truly yours,
Your Unfriendly Neighborhood MAK-Man
Posted by mak at June 30, 2004 1:15 PMYou can hear my alarm all the way in Astoria?
Posted by: PatCH at June 30, 2004 1:36 PMWhoops...I totally do that. Only, for about an hour. What can I say. It takes me that long to wake up.
Drives my partner crazy though. But he shouldn't talk, it takes him about 4 hours to wake up.
Posted by: stebbins at June 30, 2004 2:30 PMI totally have this image now of you dressed up like Catwoman. Hmm, that look might work for you....
Posted by: Jeff at June 30, 2004 2:56 PMPatCH: If that's your alarm, you're getting beaten extra hard. Then we'll do shots to numb the pain.
Stebbins: I'm a snoozer myself (much to K.'s chagrin). But you can't even hear our alarm clock in the bathroom, much less out the window and across the yard.
Jeff: You weren't supposed to tell anyone about my black vinyl suit.
Posted by: MAK at June 30, 2004 3:48 PMMak = the REAL Spiderman.
Posted by: myke at June 30, 2004 4:38 PMum...have you thought about earplugs? (*ducks to avoid flying object*) I started wearing them here in lil 'ole Baltimore when I lived downtown. Now I HAVE to wear them, I'm so sound-sensitive when I sleep. Just a thought :)
Posted by: zenchick at June 30, 2004 5:22 PMAnd here I thought this post was going to be about something sexual, what with the get-up 'n' all.
Maybe one day while scaling the building, you'll come upon (I said UPON, not ON) (sorry) your neighbor, fresh out of his shower, dabbing himself dry with a soft terry towel, and then you can fulfill MY fantasies about what I thought this post was going to be about. OK?
Posted by: Jodi at June 30, 2004 5:29 PM"he needed killin" is a common defense in Kentucky. I think it now applies to Astoria, too.
Posted by: Michael Vernon at June 30, 2004 6:37 PM*rotflol* .... *wiping tears* ... *still struggling to speak* ... *clutching sides laughing* ... *still laughing* ... ... ...
Posted by: jennirhiow at July 1, 2004 2:09 AMYou are so, like, my hero.
Posted by: Steven at July 1, 2004 7:51 AMMeow. Just be glad I didn't tell them about the thigh-high stiletto boots, the cat o'nine tails, and the bondage mask.
Oh, wait, oops....
Posted by: Jeff at July 1, 2004 11:08 AMThen I sound like your neighbor. I have 3 alarms, plus the two in my sister's room. The times are set minutes apart.. So, in the morning...
Posted by: Wayne at July 1, 2004 11:14 AMMy alarm clock talks... keeps me comforted 'cause I wake up thinking I've got someone mumbling to me in my bed (which means I had a fortunate previous night ;))... then I realize it's just a digital voice and I throw the damn thing against the wall... amazingly, it still keeps talking... much like my mother on whom I inflict similar abuse =)
Posted by: ThatQueerGeorgiaBoy at July 1, 2004 6:31 PMWhy waste your time with all the equipment and personal intervention?
Two words: Rocket Launcher
Posted by: palochi at July 1, 2004 6:33 PMOh, gawd.
When I first came up to KC, I was staying up on Quality Hill all the time. If it wasn't the traffic or the fire trucks, it was the car alarms.
How nice it is to live 70 blocks south and hear nothing - nothing! - when the windows are closed, and only the occasional freight train when the windows are open.
I have some suction cups I can loan you for your climb.